today was a tue.. now alone in my learlear's room in hall... he went for FOC meeting....

i really dun like wat have happened recently... these few days really scared me a lot....

first of all, i din go for ia work for two days...took leaves for last friday and today... last friday was actually a set "leave" day...but due to heavy work for eugene at bat and xl suddenly said that she would take leave on this thur instead... hmmm... but i have already told my learlear... dun dare to tell him.. afraid that he would be disappointed if i cant meet him.... but in the end, it turned out that actually he's not free that day initially too due to IPPT..he gave up this round of IPPT in order to meet up with me....sian.... should have taken off the other day... as for today... eugene and xl wun not be going to work... i dun like the feeling of doing things alone.. so i also din wanna go to work... therefore i took leave today too.... actually i'm filled with guilt for taking so many leaves.. i shall not take anymore leave until the end of ia.... should just guai guai work.....

it's also due to my absence to work today that brings me to another problem... it seems like learlear was having a hard day today... he told me that he wanna talk to someone as he's troubled by something... which till now i only know that his boss scolded his whole company for duno wat... hmm.. he seems to duno how to put it across to me too....den as i din go for work today, i wanna sleep till late..and as i'm piggy enough... i din hear his sms this morning and therefore he called me... he said that howcome i'm still sleeping.... so piggy.. then i asked him wat happened... den he told me to continue to sleep and hang up the phone... sensing sth wrong.. i smsed him after we ended the phone call...in the sms, i asked him wat happened, what he's doing and about my dream... den he just replied busy.... as he have told me that he'll be busy today.. so i thought he's really busy.. but according to his tone later, i realised that he's not really busy.. he's just sad and angry that i'm not there for him when he's feeling sad... how am i going to noe that he's feeling sad when he just told me that he's busy? i have to admit that i'm very insensitive and stupid sometimes.... that's y i failed to catch his feeling... i'm feeling very guilty as i was not there for him when he needed me.. he told me tat today evening again...i'm filled with guilt for the whole day.... it's like i'm not good enough for him and be there for him whenever he needs it... i feel very lousy and incompetence.

Den just now we went to buy our dinner when my mum called me to ask me to buy two kinds of bread... but we were already on our way back to hall.. so we ate our dinner den learlear drove me back to the market area to buy while he will wait for me on the car.... however, as i found that the bread in one bread shop was so expensive... i chose to buy only one type of bread... den i went to the other bread/cake shops to look at the price.. but they were all so ex...so i went to the supermart to look for those 1 dollar long packet bread....stupid shop... i cant find the bread i'm looking for... so i'm panicing abit as i noe that learlear was waiting at the road side for me... i wan to make it fast when i saw him behind me... den he directed me towards the bread section... i was like... diao.. so near to me but i din see it... sian..... so i went to pay for the money..... and duno y.. somehow... i feel my neck area abit weird... like just being twisted.... so i told him... again... he told me that he's worried that i cant take care of myself or the family we planned to have in the future as i cant even buy a bread "properly"... i feel very very very sian when i heard that AGAIN... imcompetent feeling filled up inside me again.... and at the same time... very ashamed of myself for not being able to do such a simple job.... and always have to make him worried................ i'm really lousy.... i have trying to be not so blur and do things in the way that wun make him worried... but.......... to no improvement....

in addition, i noticed that i cant really joke.. somehow my joke or my "not-for-joke" face will offend pple.... i'm really joking abt a matter but pple will take it for real....anyway, i shall not joke in the future.... not appreciated and create trouble for myself...